Dr. Wilkens is an expert in infidelity.
The aftermath of infidelity is traumatic for both spouses. Whereas spouses can usually be the greatest source of strength and support for one another following trauma, in cases of infidelity this strength and support is not only questionable but can be fearsome. How can a couple reconcile after such a trauma? Is there any hope? There is indeed evidence that couples can and do recover from infidelity, and the research and approaches Dr. Wilkens uses have been inspired by “work that works” - clinical work with couples that has worked. Everything from initial crisis management, to addressing the typical “why did this happen?” questions, to the grieving process experienced by both spouses over the relationship that used to be needs to be examined and explained.
What Is Infidelity?There are about as many definitions of what infidelity is as there are individuals who have experienced it. Some individuals will deny that infidelity has occurred because “we only kissed.” Or they may be even more specific, denying their unfaithfulness because there was no actual penetration. Many, mainly men, will have a hard time equating emotional intimacy with another person as unfaithfulness. Others may have a much broader definition, one that views any interaction with the opposite sex (or same sex if homosexual) that is not revealed to the committed partner as infidelity. Others have gone so far as to refer to their partners’ workaholic lifestyle as a “mistress,” or have reported “financial infidelity,” i.e. their partner has taken on a new credit card without their knowledge and has charged the couple into massive debt.
Adrian Blow cites his own operational definition of infidelity in a study he and Hartnett pursued in 2005:
Infidelity is a sexual and/or emotional act engaged in by one person within a committed relationship, where such an act occurs outside of the primary relationship and constitutes a breach of trust and/or violation of agreed-upon norms (overt and covert) by one or both individuals in that relationship in relation to romantic/emotional or sexual exclusivity. (Blow, 2005, pg. 13)
So that doesn’t exactly role off the tongue does it? How about Glass and Wright’s (1997) clarification of extramarital involvement differing from platonic friendship due to the presence of 1) emotional intimacy, 2) secrecy, and 3) sexual chemistry? This is the definition of infidelity that Dr. Wilkens uses:
emotional intimacy…
Infidelity is… secrecy… …with another person.
sexual chemistry…
This is not to say that other definitions of infidelity may be clinically significant, such as an addiction to internet pornography. In such cases, the offended spouse often feels quite betrayed as if cheated on. A spouse opening a strange internet file that reveals a history of her spouse looking at nude pictures of other women is often reported to feel traumatized. So while such variations of infidelity don’t necessarily match the three criteria highlighted above, there are features that are indeed similar enough to make informed approaches to infidelity relevant for these couples as well.
Dr. Wilkens has become an expert in this area because of his research,
consultation with worldwide infidelity experts, and his years of experience
working with infidelity.